YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Who wears a wallet chain?!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
