i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
not ubering you a puppy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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