Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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