Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
