Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
