Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
