remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
