Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
