Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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