i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
