In the future we'll all be gay
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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