I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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