Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Randomize
