what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
