How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
