I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
