we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
