But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So many bounce houses so little time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
