Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
