She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
