apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
