so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
