Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
