I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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