Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
