I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
