Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
