He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
