If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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