When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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