I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
