I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You left your phone here
Wait...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
