You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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