dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
