Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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