mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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