I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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