I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
