Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
