she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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