why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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