Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
