He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i dont even know how to be here
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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