She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The struggles of a small town man whore
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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