I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
