and you said cock pushups were impossible
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
