I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
