im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
