i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
