It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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