i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
