dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
