and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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