Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
