I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
